If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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