I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
