toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
