It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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