i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
