He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
