She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
