He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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