omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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