My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I want her autograph on my taint
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
