um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's shark week go big or go home
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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