Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
