If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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