i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
