Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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