Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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