I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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