It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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