I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
