Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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