i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
