I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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