My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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