I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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