Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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