just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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