Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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