Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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