I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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