where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
