my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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