just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
