I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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