If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
