This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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