I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
