I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
