you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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