It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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