I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
did i just pee glitter
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
