Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
