I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
