From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
