My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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