I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
