Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
