things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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