There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
