There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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