you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I want a musical about memes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize