well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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