i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
