I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
