im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
