I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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