Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
