Your face is a jimmy john
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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