i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
