Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
