Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
