reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
