everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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